Rabid Weasels, Stoned Ferrets and BB with Bad Hair
by icefire-lioness
Summary: A tale of desire, fish, pot, and chaps. What will happen when Draco, Hermione, Harry and Ron find a place which makes their deepest, darkest desires come true? Get very embarrassed, obviously.


Ronald Weasley was bored. And hungry.

He tapped a beat on the chair arm with his fingers and whistled mournfully.

Hermione and Harry were playing Wizard's chess, and Ron was waiting for them to finish so he could play the winner.

But they were both so painfully awful that it didn't matter who he played because he always won anyway.

Normally this made him happy, because it was the one thing he was better than Harry at (and probably Hermione too), but right then he didn't want to have to wait for them to finish their god-awful boring game, just so that he could beat one or the other in a few well placed moves.

So he threw a cushion at Hermione's head.

It missed, instead knocking over her king, who fell screaming to the floor, before breaking into pieces.

Hermione glared at him as her queen looked down at the king's broken body and started to sob.

Ron looked innocently back at her. "Hermione" he moaned, leaning back into his chair, an expression of pain on his face "I'm _bored_."

Hermione and Harry sighed simultaneously. This was nothing new.

Then Hermione sat up. "Why don't we go to Howdly Hall?" she asked animatedly.

Ron and Harry looked blank. Hermione exhaled noisily. "Haven't either of you read 'Rabid weasels, stoned ferrets and bitchy beavers with bad hair: How to and hints'?" she asked exasperatedly.

The silence following this was rather substantial.

"I should have guessed" muttered Hermione.

She stood up quickly and held her hands out for Ron and Harry to take, pulling them roughly to their feet.

"Let's go…Oh, and Harry, bring your invisibility cloak, we aren't really supposed to know about the Hall."

Harry grinned because he had a danger complex and raced off. He returned a minute later with the cloak. They all struggled awkwardly under it and headed downstairs.

Hermione directed them to a small tree near the lake. Unfortunately Draco Malfoy was sitting under it.

After a moment of whispered argument, Hermione was pushed from under the cloak. She shot a glare back in the general direction of the boys, before finding herself sprawled across Malfoy.

She got up hurriedly, brushing herself down.

He looked up at her with distaste. "Whatever do you mean by reclining on me Granger? I am not a _chair_. Although if I was, I'd definitely be a comfortable, handsome one…which would mean…" he coughed, realising what he was saying.

Hermione sniggered, before shrugging noncommittally. "Could you maybe…move, Malfoy?" She asked, trying to sound polite.

Malfoy smirked at her. "And why would I want to do that?"

"_Please_ Malfoy" she said through gritted teeth.

He stood up. "Planning something naughty Granger?" he asked, placing his hand on her waist.

She stepped back a little and he smirked again. "You know, if you weren't so _afraid_ of me…we could…" he let the insinuation hang in the air and moved his hand lower.

Ron and Harry gagged loudly, forgetting that Malfoy could hear them.

Malfoy's head snapped around quickly and Hermione giggled nervously.

As the boys stepped from under the cloak, looking sheepish, Hermione moved Draco's hand from her waist, which he had forgotten to take away himself and stepped awkwardly away from Draco and nearer the other two boys.

Malfoy covered his surprise at seeing Ron and Harry appear with a scowl.

"Alright Ferret, move." growled Ron with all his usual tact, his hand reaching stealthily toward his wand.

"Tell me where you're going or I won't." Said Malfoy with all his usual insolence, leaning nonchalantly against the tree.

Hermione sighed and said "we're going to Howdly Hall. _Now_ can you move?"

Draco stood up straight. "Howdly Hall?" he asked excitedly. "as in, the place where your deepest darkest desires come true?"

Hermione nodded reluctantly.

"You mean to say, you know where it is?" he asked, even more excitedly.

Hermione nodded again, tight lipped.

Malfoy smiled in a satisfied way. "Alright, I'm coming with you." he said, as though it were completely obvious.

"Er, no! I don't think so! No. No bloody way. No. Nuh-uh." Harry burst out, shaking his head vigorously.

Draco smirked at them. "And how are_ you_ going to stop me? It's against the rules for you to do it. So, if you don't take me, I'll tell. I _am_ a Slytherin, and, well, no love lost between us after all." he smiled widely. "No way out."

All three huddled together, whispering furiously. Then they sighed, turning back to Malfoy. "Fine." The trio said, grimacing, seeing that there was, indeed, no way out.

Malfoy grinned.

Hermione moved to a knot in the trunk and tapped with her wand.

Nothing seemed to change, but she stepped forward, beckoning with her hand and disappeared.

Then they stepped forward, and entered the invisible portal.

They found themselves standing in a large room, in complete darkness.

Harry lit his wand and urged them all to a gateway in the centre of the room as he didn't believe anyone but him could possibly be smart enough to lead them into a dark room towards a large stone thing which everyone can see and therefore need no leading towards.

This, my friends, is known as superiority complex.

The gateway was very basic, two large, uncut stones placed parallel to each other, a third on top.

Ron pointed and said excitedly "There's an inscription on it!" he looked closer and then said "It's in some kind of foreign language… Mad eInJa pan…Wicked, a curse!"

Hermione and Harry exchanged amused glances, but didn't correct him.

Draco didn't get it.

Ron walked behind the gateway. "There's nothing here." he echoed disappointedly.

He came back and looked through the gateway.

It was completely black.

Ron's face fell.

"Well," he said, with a slight frown on his face "I suppose that's the end of that idea."

Hermione smiled at him. "You have to walk _through _it Ronald." She said in a condescending tone, which Ron didn't notice.

He smiled back at her and began to walk through the archway.

Hermione distinctly heard Draco say "Man! Are all Gryffindor's as stupid as him? I thought they were supposed to be brave, but it turns out they just don't have enough brain cells to realise things are dangerous."

She tried to be angry at him, but unfortunately found herself agreeing with him.

There were definitely plenty of dim-witted people in Gryffindor.

She found that she was smiling at him and quickly covered her mouth with the palm of her hand.

Harry pulled Ron back. "Are you sure this isn't dangerous?" he asked anxiously.

Draco muttered something insolent under his breath and Harry glared at him.

"Let's just go, shall we?" Draco asked brightly, ignoring the death stares Harry was giving him.

They all walked through and found themselves in a dark room.

Ron couldn't even see his own hand in front of his face, though he tried valiantly, eventually smacking himself in the face.

Suddenly Draco's voice could be heard in the silence.

"AAH!! It's so dark and cold! The Dark Lord...does not forgive...traitors! A freezing curse…and they've _blinded_ me, those cruel fiends! I can feel myself...sinking...into darkness..."

They heard him gag and then gasp for breath, before howling loudly,

"I'm altogether too _beautiful_ to die! Why did I ever even _think _of giving up my single minded pursuit of ultimate evil and wickedness?"

He started to sob and they heard him fall to the floor.

The room started to lighten, and Hermione giggled as she saw Malfoy on the ground in a little ball.

"It _is_ rather chilly isn't it?" she said through her giggles "but it isn't so dark now."

Draco looked up and noticing that he could see he stood up, blushing furiously, a scowl on his face.

The boys ignored him. As usual.

Draco went and sulked in the corner of the room.

Harry and Hermione looked around, trying to find Ron when a voice abruptly came from near their feet.

A fish bowl was on the floor and in it was a long, red fish.

"I'm a fish!!" yelped the fish. "I'm a fish!" it screamed again in delight.

"With a jacket! Awesome… this has got to be the best thing ever! Apart from maybe chess…But…ooh! Shiny!"

The fish tried to look at something on the other side of the glass and hit his head on the smooth surface. His eyes rolled back in his head and he floated upside down for a moment before flipping around and around, trying to catch his own tail.

They all did a double take and realised it was Ron…as a fish. With a jacket. What an aspiration.

As Hermione was still watching Ron the fish swim around in circles trying to catch his own tail, she heard Harry choking loudly.

She looked up and saw him staring at Malfoy. "Nice chaps Ferret!" choked Harry, trying and failing not to laugh.

Malfoy was wearing a _lovely_ pair of leather, butt-less chaps and…and nothing else (thankfully, these particular chaps had a front…but the chaps…).

"Potter, you _queer_!" squealed Malfoy, looking down at himself in surprise. "This _is_ your desire, isn't it?"

Harry turned red and muttered something indistinct.

But Malfoy had found something else to occupy his attention with. His eyes were glazed and he didn't seem to be able to speak.

Harry turned around to ask Hermione for help with Malfoy's strange plight, before finding himself struck suddenly with the same speechlessness. "Hermione!" he managed to squeak, eyes bulging slightly.

Hermione turned around at his voice. "What?' She asked, feeling slightly cold.

Hermione looked down at herself to find that she was wearing… well basically she was wearing a bathing suit…if, as Hermione noted with disgust, you could actually call four tiny triangles of gold cloth and a lot of string a 'bathing suit'.

The two boys (and one fish) were looking at her with delight while she tried to figure out whose desire it was that had her in such a state, before suddenly realising the only person it could be.

"Malfoy" she shrieked as she proceeded to throttle him to within an inch of his miserable life. "you disgusting, perverted little ferret!"

Unfortunately, he seemed to be quite enjoying her pressing him up against the wall, for some strange, unknown reason.

"Mm, 'S'and'M'" he muttered under his breath, unwisely thinking that she might not hear him.

She squeezed harder.

His life was, perhaps unfortunately, saved by the entrance of an elf.

Hermione quickly let go of Malfoy, who rubbed his neck, cursing the 'mad siren' in front of him.

The elf approached, and before Hermione had a chance to say anything, he blew the enchanted look off of her face with a cloud of smoke from his joint.

Hermione coughed and tried to wave the smoke away from her face, without much success.

"Aren't you supposed to be one of the wisest of the great races?" she asked in a tone that suggested an oncoming lecture.

The elf blinked slowly and seemed to try and get her into focus.

"Relax man." He said in lilting, songlike voice, which slightly belied the bag of weed hanging on his belt (although it may actually have been caused by it).

"You should just go with the flow…surely now you have had your greatest desire fulfilled you should be, like, at peace?" he asked, then added, "Haven't you, like, worked out what Howdly Hall is all about?"

Everyone in the room shook their heads slowly, the elf included.

"It's like, look at it backwards man." he said, before taking a long drag on his joint.

Ron and Harry gave up after a moment of chewing on fingernails and tails, and Draco obviously never started to try, but soon Hermione said slowly "Yldwoh Llah? Is that Elvin?"

The elf shook his head. "It like, totally means like, peace and that."

Hermione looked thrilled. "Really?" she asked excitedly.

The elf again shook his head and laughed.

"No dudette, but you like, totally fell for it! Wow, you guys are awesome, wanna drag?" he held out the joint and Hermione shook her head gravely, while Draco and Harry both reached for it.

As Draco screamed girlishly that Harry had touched him totally on purpose, Hermione muttered,

"I cannot believe that my deepest darkest desire was to see Draco in chaps."

**Fin.**


End file.
